The Paris Chronicles

was again reminded of how much I hate Monoprix when a trip to that store took me a total of 2.5 hours. That's right---two and a half hours just to grocery shop! That's crazy even for a Saturday. First I had to wait a billion hours just to get into their stupidly-constructed and poorly-lit parking lot, then wait for some jackass to liberate a parking space, then once in the store deal with all the forklifts and drivers stocking the shelves at PEAK SHOPPING HOUR (as usual) and lastly, once my blood pressure was sky-high...for some reason known ONLY TO MONOPRIX, they shut down all but two registers (must have been union-mandated breaktime for all) and we waited 45 minutes in line. People were yelling; it was ugly.

I'd tell you how I was blocked from putting my groceries in the trunk of my car by another jackass who decided to park up against my trunk...but I'd rather tell you this other really funny/pathetic Monoprix-related tale.

A couple of weeks ago I had a bad case of food poisoning. I didn't think much of it until I got a call from Monoprix, who, thanks to my let's spy on you and track your purchases Monoprix "I'm in your wonderful Club" card, knew that I was one of the lucky consumers of TAINTED MEAT that Monoprix had sold the previous week. Mr. Monoprix left me a charming message, informing me that I should take the TAINTED MEAT back to the store for a full refund. Yeah, thanks Mr Monoprix, but I've already barfed up all your TAINTED MEAT. To add insult to injury (the phone call was way too late for anyone to still have that TAINTED MEAT in their fridge; Monoprix knew very well they wouldn't go bankrupt refunding many customers), Mr Monoprix gave me the number of the "Monoprix Medical Hotline", a number, Mr Monoprix underscored with great insistance, which, when dialed, would not cost me anything. The equivalent of an 800 number in the USA. Unfortunately, when I dialed the "Monoprix Medical Hotline", I reached a recorded message, referring me to another number...one that would cost me 21 centimes per minute should I be foolish enough to dial it. (To be honest, I was really curious to see what kind of medical resources Monoprix was offering. But not curious enough to pay for it.) Good old "How Can We Annoy You Today?" Monoprix. First they poison me, then they try and make me pay for it.